Murmurings

Forgotten...

2010-09-01T15:54:00.003+01:00

.....that is how I feel. Forgotten, overlooked. Unremembered.

Nothing deliberate, although there may be an element of meaning to. But just as time moves on, the thing that we agreed would never happen, has.

It makes me sad, annoyed, petulant, and needy. And I hate myself for hating your happiness. What is wrong with me that I want you to be miserable, pining for me. Although I have no intention of going over old ground, it makes me want to.

Unremembered. That's the best word.

Sometimes....

2010-08-05T11:58:00.002+01:00

...you need an outlet. I don't really have that. I have things I want to say to people that I can no longer speak to. Things I want to share, but can't. I wonder what it would be like to have one person who knows EVERYTHING about you. I should like that, I think. But I can't have it. Not without a lot of pain and heartache.

sigh.

You just get really frustrated you know? I want to chat with him like I used to. But this time with nothing else attached. No lust, no sex, just friendship. You give up that right too easily sometimes, and though you don't miss it all the time, there are times when the ache to chat, to laugh, to joke, is all too strong, and you need an outlet. I guess this one is it.

Well.....

2010-01-07T21:44:00.004Z

.....well... it has been a long long time!!!

I passed my course that I started in September 2008, and am now in my final year. Project to write, which is probably why I'm here typing on a very old blog, rather than buckling down and doing some work.

Of course, the weather has been both beautiful and painful at the same time. A bit like life. I find myself happier than I have been in such a long time. And I think I really am finally looking forward with optimism about the years ahead.

L is now a happy healthy and very noisy 2 year old. She brings joy to all who know and love her. We really have been blessed.

And myself and S are stronger and happier than ever. Maybe even thinking about having a second child once my course has finished in the summer.

I still have a plan. And it's coming together!!

I....

2009-03-14T21:39:00.002Z

....haven't murmered for months. I can't quite believe how long it has been. Radio silence... not intentionally. I never managed to keep up a physical diary for very long, so a virtual one was always going to be hard.

Things are good here. Life is moving on, plans are being made. Old friendships have been rekindled. And as friends, not as anything else. For the first time, I truly feel satisfied with what I have. And so lucky.

I hope it lasts.

1....

2008-09-25T20:56:00.002+01:00

....week down, 29 to go.

In this year of the course anyway!

It's scary being back at college - it highlights how little I have used my brain, and how much I rely on computers to do the thinking for me. It will be good for me to go back and learn. Plus it's crucial to the '5 year plan'. Oh yes.

Everything else is going really well. L is 11 months now, and it's scary how the time goes. Time to organise a 1st birthday I think!

I miss my dad. Obviously.

All.....

2008-09-12T21:38:00.002+01:00

...change.

Ages since I posted.

Loads has happened.

My job is going well, L and S are healthy and happy.
My dad passed away very suddenly,
My inlaws have moved out.

Has been a lot to get my head round, and deal with, and I'm not sure I am there yet.

I'll post more when I've got my thoughts together.

Making....

2008-07-19T13:21:00.002+01:00

....lists.

Things L needs.
Things I want for L.
Things I need.
Things I want.
Money coming in.
Money going out.

I never used to be a 'list person'. Until I had L. Now it's a necessary part of life. I couldn't survive unless I made lists, planned ahead, had some semblence of organisation. I never thought I'd be able to manage it, but it seems I can.

Work is going well - really well. I can go in, do my job, then go home without having to worry too much about anything. I'm thankful for that. L is coming on in leaps and bounds - and bumps and bruises - I'm torn between letting her find her feet, and being over protective....! I like to think I'm finding the right balance though.

Anyway. I have a list to write..... now where's that pen?

I can't......

2008-07-06T15:15:00.002+01:00

.....believe that it has been so long since my last post - the time is just flying by.

The in-laws are still in residence. They keep saying not much longer, but the evidence of my own eyes suggests otherwise... still we live in hope.

Work is going well, and I'm off to register for my college course next week. Then that's done and paid for! It will be all systems go come September!

I've just watched the Federer/Nadal final on the tv. It was awesome. They truly are both greats of the game, and seem to both be thoroughly nice men. It's a shame that doesn't run true in all sports.

First...

2008-06-12T20:22:00.001+01:00

.....few weeks at work under my belt, and a birthday to boot. Work seems to be going well, and I think I'm on course to enjoy it there. I really hope so - I've felt so unsettled at work since about 2003, and have found it hard to get into anything, or get any enjoyment out of it. I hope that this place will suit me, and I it. If that makes sense?!

On the birthday front, well it wasn't a landmark, but I love birthdays, and so have had a good week celebrating it. Met up with some old friends, and some family, and just had a really good time.

So on top of that, why do I feel really really miserable?....

Life is....

2008-06-01T16:24:00.000+01:00

....hard sometimes. I don’t mean hard in the truest sense of the word, as in a struggle for existence from day to day, finding it hard to survive. But sometimes, surviving the modern world can feel just as hard. However indulged and lucky you may be, living in the western world.

I may have mentioned that I’m living with my in-laws. It has been seven months now. The story is complicated.

Basically, my husband and I bought their house from them a few years ago at a good price. We saw no need to move them out of their home as it’s a 4 bed house, and we were only a couple with no intention of starting a family, and so no need of the extra space. When I fell pregnant at the beginning of last year, I made it clear that I would expect to be moving into ‘my house’ as soon as the baby was born, if not before. Not a problem in itself.

But the months went past, I got fatter and fatter, and nothing (and I mean nothing) happened. After the birth of L, I came out of hospital, and moved into my house. But my in-laws were still there. The flat that they are moving into has needed gutting and re-decorating. And it is taking longer and longer. And as I have stated, it has now been seven months.

All MY belongings are in boxes in MY garage, while MY house is full of stuff that ISN’T mine. Ergo, it isn’t my house. And can’t be. I don’t think they want to move at all. I may have to get forceful. Or start packing for them. I really am at the end of my tether, and my patience, albeit abundant, is wearing thin. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Bah.

I am happy though. Really. Just it gets trying at times…..

First day...

2008-05-19T22:17:00.002+01:00

..... of being a working mum. All be it part time. And it was odd. I still feel like my life is a bit surreal. It's hard to explain - it's like my whole life is just temporary - nothing permanent - and very soon it will all go back to normal (whatever that is). Of course it won't, and this life is very permanent indeed.

But it's good, and I'm happy. I really am. The 'Plan' is coming together.

On another note, the events in Burma and China really sadden me. My heart goes out to them, and to anyone who is suffering in the world. I wish I could do more.

Over....

2008-05-12T13:33:00.002+01:00

....... a month since my last post! It seem incredible.

I start my new part time job on Monday, and I'm a little nervous - seems ages since I had to think of anything even vaguely work like. I am sure I'll be ok though. It's good hours, good pay, and local, and the people seem nice - I'm hoping it's the start of good times!

The weather has been lovely, and me and L have been enjoying the outdoors together - she is fascinated by everything - it is wonderful times for her. She is sleeping now - worn out a little I think!

Football is good - we managed to finish in the top ten, so much better than last season. Congrats to Man Utd and Fulham - commiserations to Derby, Birmingham and Reading. I've been there - it hurts. But not for long.

Spring.....

2008-04-03T15:44:00.002+01:00

.....is sprung!

Isn't it amazing the effect a few days of good weather, and lighter evenings can have on your mood? I've been for 2 runs, and started sorting out a load of stuff from the old flat ready to bring over to the new house. I'm thinking about painting the lounge, and things seem so much more positive.

Still no news about the jobs that I have applied for. I'll keep optimistic though. Something will come along I'm sure.

I'm in a really good mood!!

Living.....

2008-03-27T13:18:00.002Z

....with your in-laws can be a trying time. Or rather having your in-laws staying with you can be trying. I never feel like I'm home - always like I'm visiting.

I know they mean well, and they really are helping out, and I should be grateful, but to be honest, sometimes I'd be more grateful if they just went out every so often, and left me and my family a few hours to ourselves, in our own home!!!

I can feel my mood sinking, like a dark storm cloud appearing on the horizon. I mustn't let it fall to low. Chin up, and all that.

I miss you.

2008-03-27T13:16:00.002Z

Not every day, not every week. But occasionally, it comes over me like a wave. I miss the way you used to make me laugh. The way you used to make me feel. The way you said I made you feel. But more than that, I miss your friendship. Somehow I thought we would always be friends. Always be in each others lives, no matter what happened. Naive and foolish I guess. I wouldn't change anything that happened. Anyway.

I miss you.

Wii.....

2008-03-23T22:49:00.002Z

.... or even 'Weeeeee'.

Lovely Easter Sunday, spent with family and friends, and of course my daughter. She saw snow for the first time today, and had a lovely time with everyone. Now I've packed her off to bed, and am hoping she hasn't got herself too over excited, and will still sleep through the night.

Tomorrow, I am completing some 6 or so job applications for various posts in the local county council. I'm going to bully them into taking me on, by virtue of applying for almost every job going!! I wonder if it will work?.... :o)

I'm in the calm of my room, after a hectic day, and am chilling out nicely. I'm feeling happy and postive about things.

Life is good.

Easter..

2008-03-18T10:18:00.002Z

....is fast approaching. I love Easter Eggs me....

I didn't get the job I was after. I'm not going to let it get me down though. I am determined to be positive through all this.

I start my training today for Race 4 Life. Haven't done any running in about a year, so I think that now would be a good time to start preparing for the race in July. I've started by drinking loads of water - I'm notoriously bad at hydrating myself. Must get into the habit of it.

one down....

2008-03-11T16:27:00.002Z

...none to go. The other job didn't get back to me, so I only had one interview yesterday.

It was a nice place - around 20 mins drive from where I live, and friendly people. I didn't do anything wrong, so if I don't get the job, I'll have done all I can.

It brought up the notion of me having my 5 year plan. I'm going to get a part time job now. Go to college in the Autumn to complete my accountancy qualification. That will take 2 years. Then work my socks off for a few years to build up a bookkeeping portfolio of work.

I'll see - there are a lot of things to consider - sick pay, holiday pay, maternity benefits should I decide on another child... all these sort of things...

I'd like it though. I don't want to be a world beater. I just want a nice income, and a bit of independance.

2.....

2008-03-07T08:40:00.002Z

..potential job interviews to go to... things might be looking up.

I have one definite one on Monday, and the other one might be calling me back today. Fingers crossed anyway.

I met up with a friend on Wednesday that I haven't spoken to face to face for over 4 years. We had a major falling out, which I won't go into the details of now. But time mellows people, and both of us seem happy enough to try and build bridges.

Mother's Day...

2008-03-02T11:32:00.003Z

.....is something I didn't envisage I'd be celebrating about this time last year! I think I had just found out I was pregnant, and while happy, I still don't think I've got my head round it. It has meant a lot of changes for me, and my life is unrecognisable from before L came into the world. But I am loving it.

It's cold here today. My in-laws are currently living with us - a temporary arrangement which has gone on much longer than I'd anticipated or hoped. My father-in-law insists on opening the windows in every room in the house every morning. I spend my time going round closing them. I like him, don't get me wrong, but we do clash. He is obsessively neat. I go round moving the rugs, cos I know that he will go round straightening them. Sad I know, but these little things keep you sane!

Anyway, to all mum's out there, have a good one, and I hope you are being pampered to the hilt!

Football.....

2008-03-01T10:59:00.002Z

.....is another great passion in my life, and I'm off to the match this afternoon. We are playing a team we traditionally do very badly against, so I'm not over confident, but if there is one thing I have learnt in football, it's to expect the unexpected. Also, that everyone speaks in clichés... hehe.

I had a nice day yesterday, spent it out with my sister H, and L and I went with her to see one of her friends who lives in Bucks with her hubby and 2 sons. She seems very happy, contented, and is very lucky. I am envious of her, not that I wish her not to have the things she has, but that I wish I had them too.

My first Mother's Day tomorrow. How weird will that be?!!

caught....

2008-02-28T16:12:00.002Z

....caught up with an old friend today. It was nice - reminded me of old times. Still things and people change, and you have to move on. Not always a bad thing, not always a good thing. Sometimes, just a thing.

I'm planning on redecorating the lounge once my in-laws move out. A brighten up will do the house, and me the world of good. Maybe white, with lime green accessories. What do you think? I've got time to think about it, anyway. And time to save up to do it.

Next door's drive is nearly finished. It's been a noisy business, but it does look nice. Flies in the face of global warming advice to leave part of your front garden as earth though. Good news about M&S charging for plastic bags - I do try to reuse mine whenever I can.

Every little helps. Or something.

Wondering..

2008-02-26T10:00:00.003Z

....how a baby can be woken up by the smallest sound of a carpet being trodden on, but can sleep through the pneumatic drill that started demolishing our neighbour's front garden at eight o'clock this morning?! I tried to sleep through it, but nope, my brain wasn't having it. L managed it though, staying blissfully asleep till 9.

It's a lovely day in London today - well in my part anyway. So I think I'll take L out for a walk in the winter sun to my parents house - it's only about a mile away, and the exercise will do us both good.

I also have to think about finding a part time job. Bah. Life is both wonderful and trying at the same time.

Well...

2008-02-23T15:37:00.000Z

....blogging again, eh? I never thought I would, but I guess that times change for everyone. The last time I blogged it was a confused mash up of posts - I didn't really know what I wanted to gain from it, and I think I wrote for other people, rather than for me. Not this time.

I'm in a better place now. Mentally, and emotionally. It's taken a long while to get here, but I'm hopeful. I should be able to keep in this happy place.

A little about me? I'm married. Happily, now. And I have a 4 month old daughter. There's not much else to say, nothing to see here. I'm hoping this will be a boring run of the mill diary blog. And then I'll be satisfied.

*grins*