Forgotten...

.....that is how I feel. Forgotten, overlooked. Unremembered.

Nothing deliberate, although there may be an element of meaning to. But just as time moves on, the thing that we agreed would never happen, has.

It makes me sad, annoyed, petulant, and needy. And I hate myself for hating your happiness. What is wrong with me that I want you to be miserable, pining for me. Although I have no intention of going over old ground, it makes me want to.

Unremembered. That's the best word.

Sometimes....

...you need an outlet. I don't really have that. I have things I want to say to people that I can no longer speak to. Things I want to share, but can't. I wonder what it would be like to have one person who knows EVERYTHING about you. I should like that, I think. But I can't have it. Not without a lot of pain and heartache.

sigh.

You just get really frustrated you know? I want to chat with him like I used to. But this time with nothing else attached. No lust, no sex, just friendship. You give up that right too easily sometimes, and though you don't miss it all the time, there are times when the ache to chat, to laugh, to joke, is all too strong, and you need an outlet. I guess this one is it.

Well.....

.....well... it has been a long long time!!!

I passed my course that I started in September 2008, and am now in my final year. Project to write, which is probably why I'm here typing on a very old blog, rather than buckling down and doing some work.

Of course, the weather has been both beautiful and painful at the same time. A bit like life. I find myself happier than I have been in such a long time. And I think I really am finally looking forward with optimism about the years ahead.

L is now a happy healthy and very noisy 2 year old. She brings joy to all who know and love her. We really have been blessed.

And myself and S are stronger and happier than ever. Maybe even thinking about having a second child once my course has finished in the summer.

I still have a plan. And it's coming together!!

I....

....haven't murmered for months. I can't quite believe how long it has been. Radio silence... not intentionally. I never managed to keep up a physical diary for very long, so a virtual one was always going to be hard.

Things are good here. Life is moving on, plans are being made. Old friendships have been rekindled. And as friends, not as anything else. For the first time, I truly feel satisfied with what I have. And so lucky.

I hope it lasts.

1....

....week down, 29 to go.

In this year of the course anyway!

It's scary being back at college - it highlights how little I have used my brain, and how much I rely on computers to do the thinking for me. It will be good for me to go back and learn. Plus it's crucial to the '5 year plan'. Oh yes.

Everything else is going really well. L is 11 months now, and it's scary how the time goes. Time to organise a 1st birthday I think!

I miss my dad. Obviously.

All.....

...change.

Ages since I posted.

Loads has happened.

My job is going well, L and S are healthy and happy.
My dad passed away very suddenly,
My inlaws have moved out.

Has been a lot to get my head round, and deal with, and I'm not sure I am there yet.

I'll post more when I've got my thoughts together.

Making....

....lists.

Things L needs.
Things I want for L.
Things I need.
Things I want.
Money coming in.
Money going out.

I never used to be a 'list person'. Until I had L. Now it's a necessary part of life. I couldn't survive unless I made lists, planned ahead, had some semblence of organisation. I never thought I'd be able to manage it, but it seems I can.

Work is going well - really well. I can go in, do my job, then go home without having to worry too much about anything. I'm thankful for that. L is coming on in leaps and bounds - and bumps and bruises - I'm torn between letting her find her feet, and being over protective....! I like to think I'm finding the right balance though.

Anyway. I have a list to write..... now where's that pen?